Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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