You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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