So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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