My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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