We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
