Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
