I think my fart just growled at me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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