I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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