I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
