Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
