Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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