that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
