Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
