Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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