We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
