my sisters under your porch take her home
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I will pee on everything he values.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
