I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
