I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
