Umm I'm too high to move.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
