Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
