actually, I'm a sock model
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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