I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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