I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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