I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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