Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Everyone says I win the strip club
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
