Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
