So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the day after is always just damage control
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
