She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
