Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
