My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
