Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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