Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
