The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
