Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
