the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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