xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
