Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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