I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
