She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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