omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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