i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
