I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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