Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
