She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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