moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
