captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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