the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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