Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
