come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
