Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
