I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize