i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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