The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
